Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not
have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now
issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los
Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA  DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent:  ______________

Attorney:  __________________

Sex: ___ male ____ female _____ formerly male _______

                formerly female __________ both ___________

If female, indicate breast implant size:  ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
                motor vehicle in any way?  Yes___  No ___

Occupation:

        [  ]  Lawyer
        [  ]  Actor/Waiter
        [  ]  Film-maker/Self-employed
        [  ]  Writer
        [  ]  Car Dealer
        [  ]  Pan-handler
        [  ]  Agent
        [  ]  Hooker/Transvestite
        [  ]  Other; please explain: ______________

Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:

Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.

Please list:

Brand of cell phone:  __________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check haircolor:

        Females: [  ] Blonde [  ] Platinum  Blonde
        Teenagers: [  ] Purple [  ] Blue [  ] Skinhead
        Men: Please list shade of hairplugs.

Please check activities you perform while driving:  (Check all that apply)

        [  ] Eating a wrap
        [  ] Applying make-up
        [  ] Talking on the phone
        [  ] Slapping kids in the backseat
        [  ] Having sex
        [  ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
        [  ] Tanning
        [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
        [  ] Watching TV
        [  ] Reading Variety
        [  ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
        a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
        b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
        a) Call the police to report the crime;
        b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the
news on a high-speed chase;
        c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone

company for 911 call not going through;
        d) Call your therapist;
        e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

Please indicate if you drive:
        a) a BMW,
        b) a Lexus,
        c) a Mercedes,
        d) Cabriolet. If your answer is D, please add 6 to 8 weeks tonormal delivery time for your driver's license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
        a) stop your car,
        b) keep driving and hope for the best,
        c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
        d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
        a) never drive over 5 MPH,
        b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
        c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
        a) Prozac;
        b) Zovirax;
        c) Lithium;
        d) Zanax.

If none, please explain:  __________________.

Length of daily commute:
        a) 1 hour;
        b) 2 hours;
        c) 3 hours;
        d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
        a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance formready,
        b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
        c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thusensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?