HOW TO IDENTIFY
WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
3. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston
4. One hand on wheel, cradling cell
phone, brick on accelerator:
California. With gun in lap:
Los Angeles
5. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both
feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving
in California.
6. Both hands in air, gesturing, both
feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat:
Italy
7. One hand on café latte,
one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
brake, mind on game: Seattle
8. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting
rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both
on the brake, throwing a McDonald's
bag out the window:
Texas city male
9. One hand on wheel, one hand hanging
out the window, keeping speed
steadily at 70 mph, driving down the
center of the road unless coming around
a blind curve, in which case they are
on the left side of the road: Texas
country male
10. One hand constantly refocusing the
rear-view mirror to show different
angles of the BIG hair, one hand going
between mousse, brush, and rat-tail
to keep the helmet hair going, both
feet on the accelerator, poodle steering
the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother-of-pearl
inlaid handle in the glove
compartment: Texas
female
11. Both hands on steering wheel in
a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch
for visible emissions from their own
or another's car: Colorado
12. One hand on steering wheel, yelling
obscenities, the other hand waving
gun out the window and firing repeatedly,
keeping a careful eye out for
landmarks along the way so as to be
able to come back and pick up any
bullets that didn't hit other motorists
so as not to litter: Colorado
resident upon
spotting a car with Texas plate.
13. Four-wheel-drive pickup truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached
to antenna: West Virginia male
14. Junker, driven by someone who previously
had a nice car and who is now
wearing a barrel: Las
Vegas
15. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair
barely visible above window level,
driving 35 on the interstate in the
left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned
citizen" driver
16. Two hands on the wheel, driving
45 in a 70 mph zone in the left lane,
with the left turn signal on, and making
a right turn: New Mexico
17. One hand on wheel, driving 35 in
a 55 mph zone, or 55 in a 35 mph zone,
slowing down for a green light, speeding
up for a yellow light, or going to
warp speed for a red light:
Idaho
18. One hand on wheel, in right lane,
no turn signal, making a left hand
turn across two other lanes of traffic:
Indiana
19. Both hands on wheel, driving
10 mph, turning on to 55 mph highway,
2 car lengths in front of driver driving
55 mph: Idaho, specifically Canyon
County Resident
20. House in the foothills or next to
Boise River, sports utility vehicle,
never used for sports, utility, or
off-road, driver with left hand loosely
on wheel, holding cell phone to right
ear with shoulder, bent over picking
up beeper from floorboard, driving
20 in a 45 mph zone, down middle of
two lanes and wandering into oncoming
traffic lane, then giving the one
finger salute to the frightened people
who honk: Californian living in Idaho
