KENNY ON GREED

Ok, so you're sitting at home wondering how in the world ANYBODY on ANY game show could have been that stupid! Two great ways in America to become a household word - have oral sex with the President or go on a Fox "game show."

In the new millennium, instant fame and riches are an American obsession. Boy, was Andy Warhol the Nostradamus of his generation, or what?!

Let me start by saying that I am no stranger to game shows or television. As an actor, I have been performing on television since the age of 7 and as a talk show host in Los Angeles, I am completely comfortable on camera.

I have also been a contestant on:
The Joker's Wild (80's..won $25,000)
The Dating Game (70's... won the date)
Jackpot (70's, won some lovely parting gifts, a year's supply of Creamettes)

And back in 2000, I added the latest notch on my belt, the Fox TV "Millionaire" clone, GREED. With the success of ABC's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, every network scrambled for such a show and Dick Clark created this one for Fox.

I called the telephone number in the L.A. Times classified and left a message. They called me back 2 days later and told me to come to the KTLA lot for the test and audition. About 40 people showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start their path to fame and instant fortune. Being a veteran of the process, I was very confident of my ability to get myself picked if I could pass the written test, which consisted of 24 multiple choice trivia questions.

Well, I was the "Valedictorian" as Producer Jeffrey Mirken, a cherubic and funny "swearaholic" called my name and asked me to be one of 7 they kept of the 40. 33 people moped out of the cavernous soundstage looking like they'd just lost their last chance in life for their 15 minutes. We 7 winners who have encyclopedias of otherwise useless info stored in our brains, now had to play a mock game for the contestant coordinators and Producer Mirken.

Here is where all my experience as a performer and former game show contestant kicked in. Give 'em what they want. In the Bill Clinton campaign, it was: "It's the Economy, Stupid!" In real estate, "Location, location, location," and on a game show tryout, "Personality, personality, personality!!" Show them that you can speak in public and not freeze up on cue. Be adventurous, take chances, in short, make GREAT TV. Make Ma & Pa America, sitting in their Barcoloungers in East Podunk believe that they are as smart as you, if not smarter.

The following week, one of the contestant coordinators, Andrea, wonderfully friendly lady (actually they all were), called to ask me if I would answer 10 questions about the 70's as they were planning on doing a tie in with the Fox TV show That 70s Show. I answered 9 out of 10. Some of the questions were: Who was the first celebrity centerfold in Cosmopolitan? (of course it was Burt Reynolds). Who was the writer who hoaxed the world with his Howard Hughes Bio? (yep..Clifford Irving). What was the name of the first "rap" group" (did you say "The Sugar Hill Gang?" DING DING DING). Who sang "Alone again, Naturally?" (I thought Leo Sayer because I couldn't remember Gilbert O' Sullivan, the one hit wonder….BUZZ!)

Wednesday, 2/22/00 Andrea calls to ask if I'm available Friday, 2/24/00. As Producer Mirken says, "When someone offers you a chance to win millions of dollars in a few minutes, what are you doing that day that can't be canceled?" GOOD point. I told her I'd clear the decks.

FRIDAY: SHOW DAY:
10:30am: Arrive at Producers parking lot B two blocks from KTLA (this must be the parking lot for producers whose development deal is left over from a previous studio administration. Talk about Siberia!) Alderon, (the production assistant whose good looks and personality could make him the obvious actor wannabe, but who in reality doesn't even want to work in television at all...and WHAT a Name!!), escorts us the block and a half to the studio with our 3 changes of clothing. We enter through a metal detector and security check that the people at LAX could only envy - these people actually gave a crap. Now, did Dick Clark think that some crazed loser who blows the 2 million dollar question was going to Uzi host Chuck Woolery? And this was way before 9/11...oh well....Why take chances I guess.

The sound stage where we first were auditioned is now adorned with tables and helium balloons. The rafters of the sound stage are filled with balloons from previous tape days. We sign away our lives on release forms, guaranteeing that we don't brunch with Rupert Murdoch, or know anyone who has ever slept with the late Darryl F. Zanuck of Fox. We have to show our drivers license and social security card. No tickee….no washee.

Then they collect all beepers and cell phones and outside reading material. No last minute cramming from "The Encyclopedia of Stuff no one Except Alex Trebek will EVER Ask You." Then the 75 some odd people who were there to be part of the "contestant pool" for the 3 shows taping that day listen to the do's and don'ts from Producer Mirken and the lady from Fox Standards & Practices (they were NOT going to have any quiz show scandals on Fox!!).

It's time to wait and hope you get picked, because they overbook these shows to cover their butt. Oh, I should explain that when Mirken ran down exactly how you get paid, should you win, the exuberance in the room fell faster than Madonna's panties. The first $200 thousand your team wins (split among you) is paid out within 120 days, and the rest is put into an annuity of years of payout (like the lottery, anywhere from 5-20 years). So, really, the most you might see in four months is possibly thousands if you're very lucky. No one is going to be an instant millionaire on this show in reality, just in the long run potentially. Well, its more than you walked in with, NO? People are kinda bummed, but fuhgettaboutit, we're here to WIN!!!

Today, they are taping one hour of "regular" format Greed and then the people for The 70's Show will tape a one hour show and then a special half-hour show. We watch the first "regular" contestants disappear upstairs after our wardrobe has been picked thru by their wardrobe lady - "too gray, too blue." She told me I was her favorite as I was the only one who brought bright colors (no earth tones for this guy - hey my colorist told me NEVER!) (wait, I have a colorist??)

We watch in the holding area as some people make some VERY dumb mistakes and get their teams (of 4) up to the $100-200 thousand level of this show and then crap out because of poor strategy or they simply answered wrong. We in the "contestant pool" would yell and scream at the losers - "How could they do THAT!!!!" It is SO easy when you're only watching, isn't it? Then more waiting and then more waiting. It is really like being on jury duty with better food (they fed us all day).

I mingled with actors who were told to only say what their "day" jobs were, the Dean of Screen writing at UCLA told to say he was a College Professor, the Beverly Hills real estate agent told to say he was from NYC (his home town) as they didn't want everyone to say they were from L.A., and a former contestant who had been screwed by host Woolery when he accidentally blurted out the answer to a question which would have won this struggling Hebrew School teacher $100,000. They had to re-do the question and he lost (talk about a bad break). But they thought they should make right by him and bring him back. (P.S. He made it back on the show and lost, this was heartbreaking).

Then, they brought us upstairs to change clothes and makeup. They segregate the team you will be on so you won't collude. You never know who you will be teamed up with until the last few minutes before you tape. You are excited, you are jazzed, you are actually going to get to play today and not have to come back on another day to go thru it ALL OVER AGAIN (including Mirkin's stand-up routine, one contestant there has been there THREE times before and never made it on, OY! He actually asked the producers for a note to his boss).

The gray haired head wardrobe man with the ponytail has a cow. I am wearing a green Ralph Lauren "Polo" shirt the other wardrobe lady picked out for me. "A LOGO?? (the "Polo" horse) Fox doesn't allow it. We'll have to cover it with tape…oh and roll down your sleeves." Hmmm, not a good sign. I told them I would wear my Neiman-Marcus (Needless-Markup) Camel's Hair jacket I brought and solve the problem.

They put a Mic on me. Fantastic contestant lady Andrea gives a big hug (very appreciated) and wishes you luck and you're on set. Stage manager "Boots," who has given the same spiel to every team that day makes sure you know where to go and when. You watched him on the monitors all day with all the previous teams making them repeat what he just said to make sure and now you are repeating it out loud. Deja Vu. Some of the people in the audience are calling my name (since I have KENNY on a badge). "Kenny, you go boy!!"

And then, Chuck comes out. I was nervous that I would get disqualified, as I was a guest on the late Home & Family Show which he co-hosted with Christina Ferrare. I thought he would say "Mr. Traffic, what the hell are you doing here?" and Fox's standards lady would give me the heave-ho, but it turns out that Mr. Woolery has the attention span of lunch meat. He is VERY nice!! And is that dude good looking?? Damn! This guy was 58 years old and made me in my 40's look ancient. (I'm just follically impaired)

The qualifying round - 6 people and only 4 will make it on. Chuck reads the question: "In the 70's movie The Towering Inferno how many stories was the building? Lock in your answers." I guessed 125. I remembered the scene with Fred Astaire tied to a banister up top and my very witty father saying out loud in the movie theatre "Lets see him dance his way outta THIS!" Host Chuckie says "the answer is 138, who came closest?" The one who did was designated Captain of the team. He runs up to the Captain's position. Then the 2nd, then I tied for 3rd with mister 4th. WOW, I made it.

Now the adrenaline pumps. You are in the game. Contestant #1 answers the first question, a softball:

"Masters & Johnson were Famous for:
A: Cooking
B: Auto Repair
C: Interior Design
D: Human Sexuality"

He says D (duh). The Captain accepts (Captain can accept or override) the answer for $25,000. A winner!!!

Contestant #2, a beautiful black lady who had not gotten picked from a previous tape day:

"The soundtrack from the movie Deliverance featured:
A: Dueling Harmonicas
B: Dueling Banjos
C: Dueling Fiddles
D: Dueling Washboards"

Now is my moment. Let me just say, that in every game that day including this one, every one of the first 5 questions in round one were softballs. I knew the answer to EVERY QUESTION that day of round one. They are akin to the first 5 questions on Millionaire, as you can see, designed to be easy.

CHUCK: "Kenny, you're a traffic school teacher. (I couldn't say anything about being a talk show host) What’s the lamest excuse anyone has ever given you for getting a ticket in class?" (this was pre prepared with staff writer John)
KENNY: "Well Chuck, (Mr. Personality, me, pouring it on) some lady pulled over for speeding told the cop she saw Elvis and was rushing to call "Hard Copy" (this really did happen)."

Chuck and the audience laugh. "And now your $75,000 question." (I was a little disturbed because I was having trouble seeing the plasma monitor in front of me because of the stage lights, I had to find a position where I could actually see the screen by blocking the light). "In the famous Nixon Watergate Tapes, how long was the famous gap in recording, was it:

My mind is racing. I know it's either the 18 or 8 cause I knew the ½ and I think it couldn't be 18. No, that was too long. "Chuck," I said in my most confident tv voice, "Nixon's secretary Rosemary Woods leaned over and erased that famous 8 ½ minutes of tape." Wow. What confidence! Chuck asks the team captain if he accepts the answer. He says he's not really sure, but thinks I'm right. He didn't look at the other team members who were making faces at him subtly. "Is it 8 ½?" The music efx plays the beginning of my Battan Death March. "No, it was 18 ½, oh I'm so sorry" Chuck says, "You are out of the game, and we'll be back with a new team right after this."

I am stunned. My mouth is hanging open wider than Kim Kardashian's booty. Up until that moment, I had been having SO much fun that day, that I said to myself that even if I lose, it still was fun, but NEVER dreamed I would be the First Mate of the Titanic and steer the ship into the iceberg (with the help of the team captain!!!) This was easily, one of the worst moments I have EVER had. I know, I know, its only a game show, but you feel as if you just opened the emergency door on the 747 and everyone was just sucked out with you. It really is a devastating moment of embarrassment. Stupid, dumb, over-confident, and now you feel as if everyone in the audience is holding out their fingers in an "L" yelling "LOSER."

You sign a release giving you a $50 consolation fee and you start your way out. Where was Sean Penn for THIS "Dead Man Walking?"

I was not going to tell a living soul to watch it, come to think of it, why did I write THIS??

I just limped home to use my lifelines: Jack, Johnny & Jim (Daniels, Walker & Beam).

What's the moral to this sad chronicle? If you want your 15 minutes of fame, watch what you wish for, you just might get it!!! To kinda paraphrase Michael Douglas from the movie "Wall St......'Greed was NOT good!!'

OH, one last thing, newspaper zodiac predictions are full of crap (DUH). Mine said Friday: "Fame and Fortune are going to ring your bell today." No wonder newspapers are going out of business!!

P.S. The following week on GREED, some guy sank the whole team on the FIRST question, which was about CHUCK WOOLERY (the host). The question was: "Which game show was NOT one of the ones Chuck Woolery has hosted?" 1: Love Connection 2: Scrabble 3:Wheel of Fortune 4: Singled Out. The contestant said "Chuck, I've been following your career and it's Wheel Of Fortune. (It was of course Singled Out on MTV he never hosted). They lost on the first question, first team on "Greed" to do that. NOW I feel a LOT better. Who says the misfortune of others can't make you feel good?"